Chiron Return/Venus Retrograde: Wounded Healing

Every so often, I get a wild hair up my ass and say to myself, "Self, wouldn't it be nice to married? Or at least have a partner to kinda kick it with? Wouldn't that be nice?" And I reply, "Well, that might not be so bad. You've been good. You've been doing your work, learning and applying your lessons. That would be a nice reward."

That's when He shows up. Over the years, He has appeared wearing a different face, under different circumstances, with a different life story. At first when He appeared looking really different from the way He appeared the last time I was with Him, He was able to fool me. I welcomed Him even though I knew it wouldn't last because, at least, I would get the benefit of learning from experience. (Because I realized very early in my life that I was put here to have lots of different experiences.) I threw myself into each experience (lesson) with gusto because that's my life journey. Rolling up my sleeves, unafraid of pain (because pain is part of growth), relishing living life fully and on my own terms.

Each time I deal with Him I grow stronger and it has become easier to recognize Him. That's saying something since the first time I dealt with Him, He damn near destroyed me. I've reached the point where I know Him even with the different guises He puts on. I know His energy and I've developed a strategy for dealing with Him that works. I'm no longer afraid of Him but I am growing tired of Him.

At the beginning, I had thought that each lesson I was learning from Him was changing my vibration at such a basic level that He would no longer be able to feel or hear me. I thought that I would change so much that when I was ready for a relationship again and started putting out those vibes, He would be unaware and be unable to respond, leaving room for my Ideal Man to respond as the real reward for all my work.

Yet here I am, over fifty now, and wrapping up my most recent encounter with Him. Although I can't say that our time together this go round has been a complete waste of time.... Well, I don't know. Maybe it has been a complete waste of time. In some ways, my usual strategies didn't work for me indicating that I have indeed changed at a fundamental level.  However, that hasn't changed the end result.

Because I believed that each time He entered my life, He was preparing me for my Ideal Man, I wasn't worried about having children. That would happen next time because the next time, the Ideal Man would show up, not Him. Okay. Well, now I'm over fifty. Not having no children now. It seems increasingly unrealistic for me to keep holding out hope for some mythical "next time". Why wouldn't He just show up again, like He always has?

I'm tired of Him. I'm tired of His games. And you know what I realize? I'm really happy when I'm alone. I love my solitude. I love being able to do what I need to do for myself without having to consult with or consider anyone else's needs. I love my own company. I am so much happier and at peace when I'm solo.

Is it possible that the real lesson I need to be learning is that partnership is not for me? Each time I end my encounter with Him loving and appreciating myself more. This time is no different. I love the fact that I don't have to be afraid of Him and can enter into relationship unafraid of being hurt because I know my strength. I love that I have a lifetime of experiences that I can look back on because I didn't run away from them. I love that I have an entire lifetime of experiences still ahead of me.

I would like to have the experience of being in a long-term committed relationship, just like I would have liked to have had the experience of being pregnant and becoming a mother. Maybe that's just not for me in this incarnation.

It is so much easier for me to stay single than for me to attempt partnership. Perhaps that's the lesson I need to learn. Why continue to beat my head against that wall? Maybe all the difficulties that I experience in partnership happen because I am going against who I am at my most fundamental level.

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure this out.